This Song
May 7th, 2010
I havent really been sharing a lot of my music..at all really, cuz I think Ive kinda hit a stage where sharing it just makes it disappointing and Ive hit the stage in all three main instruments I play that Im not going to get any better at creating music with them, yes playing I will surely, but my creation with them has plateaued and it simply isn't good enough, and tho I have a very loyal 3 person strong fan base for my music, a mom, girlfriend, and best friend isnt the huge base I shot for. Not saying I dont appreciate it...but Matt Heafy once said in an interview about their demo cd..with songs, they separated their loved ones bias and critiquing by whether they ever listened to a song twice. Which is what I've always based mine on cuz that concept to me is genius and made so much sense...I never hit that stage tho where people started listening to my songs more than once, which has created such a love/hate feeling towards my music and Ive always wanted to give up, especially towards the end of last year. I actually put every single piece of musical instrument I own on craigslist for 2000 dollars, even tho I have well around 5 grand of shit, but put on there I wasnt seperating it, someone had to take it all..but everyone wanted it broken up. I told a few ppl I just put my drums on there..I guess Im glad noone ever bought it, I quit reposting it around sometime in Jan. I feel like my music is just a let down constantly..I feel like everything is sometimes, and I am to everyone else.. and its the worst and no matter how hard I practice and I try, I cant do it. Matt's been playing for 13 years, Ive gotten so good in 3 that even he admits Im better than him now..I can shred as fast as Trivium..I can play slipknot songs on drums..I can play a Bach song on piano..but I cant create something with it thats as good as those bands and I dont feel that I ever will. This is why Im an engineer...it works, its simple..numbers are numbers..and theres always a formula or a pattern, and something to create a concrete solution that works. Im ready to forget about my music and go on with life..I love making it and playing, hopefully always will...but Im hopefully done trying to be an artist..its not me, its not what I was born with..Im tired of being mediocre at best and everything I try and do...Im ready to be great at something and Ive wasted a ton of time and money trying to make it be a musician. Im ready to try something else, something I can do and be great at, I just dont know what that is yet :-\
So in good fashion..here is my last public piece of work, trying to explain that while Im done as an artist, Ill never give up on my music:
Here I am again, like always, its 2AM. I put on my Eminem, drift away; it’s how it’s always been. Only myself and all this loneliness contained within…So I start up the studio, layin down the violin, always the place I like to begin…Yet the frustration soon takes over, failure as an artist starts to grow, I can’t give up tho, I started this ages ago and coughed up the dough..I continue to grow but I’ll never hit pro, just the devastating blow that no one hears my flows, no one knows, loved ones love the shit but it’s not that great, they soon forget, it just doesn’t stick. I’ve hit my plateau, this is as good as I get…As far as I go.. I hate this shit, fuck this music, The clock now strikes 5, the world is dead, no signs of life, yet it’s when I’m feeling, the most alive. All alone, no one’s on my phone only it’s not blowin’ up, just my luck, when I need it the most my Droids a ghost. Another 6 in the mornin’ post, an update for a world that can’t relate, sedated till 8’ish I await conversation, the only thing that talks is the ticking of the clock but it’s hard to talk when its only response is a tock so I continue to sulk. That’s when I pick up my guitar, start a new song now it won’t be long, maybe ill finish this one, it’ll keep me strong..till I find a place I belong..it’s all I truly have, it’s the only thing I can’t drive away, waiting on me every second of everyday cuz without it, I am nothing, without me, it is nothing. I love this shit, love this music,
Why won’t it just quit, why won’t it give in? Give up? Let go?
God damn this music, I hate this shit;
I’d do much better without the self hatred, and all the worthless doubt.
I guess it’s there for me, it’s never forgot, when no one else can stand me, love me, be there for me..At least the music will be.
So I turn on the amp, power up the keys, grab my drums sticks, inhale and breathe.
This is what matters, fuck the world, just music and me…This is all I need.
Relationships and friendships go to shit, at some point they’ve always forgotten about me. Someone’s always better than I..
So leave me, I won’t cry, I won’t die, I’ve lost plenty in my life, from the day Rachel died I learnt to imply an inevitable good-bye and you’ll never know why..
So I live for this shit, live for this music, cuz it lives for me. It dies, I die. I die, it’s dead. When I’m gone and the world moves on, there will always be a part of me that will live on and it will be, only this song.
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